8:53 pm - Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2005
Unreasonable
I am not as big as a house. More like a camper. I feel heavy though. By the end of the day my legs feel like they're going on strike. I become vim-less.
I meant to go grocery shopping tonight. That and fold laundry. Instead, I helped Boy do some homework and am doing this entry. That will be it.
My gut reaction is to feel guilty. (As if that's a surprise) But then I think that being pregnant makes one tired, so mayhaps this is normal. Then I think about all those women who've got a mess of 8 or 9 kids and they clean the house and cook and do the laundry...so I cycle back to feeling guilty that I can't manage to fold anyone's undies, much less put them in a drawer.
What would Martha do?
Martha would hire a God damn housekeeper, bet you dollars to doughnuts. Good things my ass.
But I digress. I do that a lot lately. This weekend I was trying to get through my to-do list, and I was perpetually thwarted in this manner:
I'd begin a task.
I'd realize I would need an item from another room to complete the task, and would get up to find the item.
Having left the room, I'd forget why I had left and what I was doing.
I'd see another chore to be done, and would commence with the work, only to realize that I needed an item from another room to complete the task.
Rinse and repeat. Complicate with sudden flashes of clarity.
I was somewhat less productive than I meant to be, but I sure did work hard:)

Have you seen a documentary called "Four Little Girls"? It's all about four little girls who were killed in a bombing of a Church in the late sixties. Horrible happenings. In it, they show fleeting images of the little mangled bodies. These little girls were Boy's age. And as I'm watching this, I realize that the name of one of the girls is super similar to the name we'd picked for our daughter.
My immediate and strong reaction was that there was no way I could use that name now. Nope. It feels like the worst kind of bad luck to use that name. Like I'm asking someone to blow up my daughter if I give her that name.
Now, I'm really not a superstitious person. Boy was bemoaning the fact that I was giving up the best name ever for an illogical reason, and I replied that I knew full well this wasn't logical. I'm just saying it feels really wrong. Really, really wrong. Simon says that if we use the name we're paying homage to the little girl, showing our support for "The Cause".
I'm trying to rationalize using the name, but it's proving difficult to rationalize since my problem isn't rational. The only people I think will understand are Native Americans, because they consider it Bad Form to use a dead person's name. It speaks to the dead person and gets you haunted. But I can't believe that there are no (traditionally living) Native American who share names with dead people, so maybe if I hear how they worked around it I can do it too.
Maybe after I'm done being pregnant, my hormones will settle down and I'll get my rational brain back.
And my belly.

Am done writing now. Many typos. Writing not of the best form. Apologies.

Oh! If you haven't already, add yourself to my notify list, kay? I know Simon's not the only one reading this because Diaryland lets me see how many people read my entries....