12:22 pm - Noember 18, 2004
In which I am crazy.
Last night I left work feeling awful. I�m fighting a cold, but more than that I was fighting anxiety. All the way home I was anticipating something Bad- when I got to my street I thought about just driving on past and stopping at the bar. Instead I went in and faced the music.
See, earlier I had called Simon when I was on break and had mentioned I thought he was harsh on Boy that morning. And also that I thought it had been a kind of trend. To which he said nothing. So I said the same thing in a harsher nastier way because I thought he wasn�t even listening- I thought he was watching Dr. Phil. Also, sometimes I worry that Simon thinks I�m full of shit. So I said goodbye, then spent the rest of the day feeling sick to my stomach as I imagined the argument that was waiting for me. By the time I walked into the kitchen I felt positively ill. You don�t know how brave of me it was to stand there and bring the subject back up.
Before you go getting any ideas- let me tell you that Simon is no monster. I married him in part because of how gentle he is. This is not a story about how mean Simon is and how brave I am to face him- this is a story about how kooky I am, how brave I am to face my own demons, and how wonderful Simon is to put up with me.
I was waiting for anger and yelling. I don�t handle either of those things well. That is an understatement. Especially if it is a man that is angry, I feel like panicking. Absolute terror. Upset stomach, dizzy, shaky, the works. I compulsively tear the skin off my fingers or fiddle with my hair and jewelry. I cease to think. I turn into a messy puddle of fear.
Frankly, I don�t like this about myself. I would like to think of myself as a strong person. I suppose that�s why I stayed in the kitchen even though I was panicked- I want to be strong.
It makes it hard for Simon and I to deal with the issues that come up now and then. Simon feels comfortable being angry, but he has to walk on eggshells when we argue or I go to pieces. That doesn�t seem right. I will go to great lengths to avoid the possibility of angering him. That ain�t right either. At the moment I have no better tool than determination to use in times like that.