12:21 pm - November 16, 2004
Chugga chugga choo choo
Online diaries are tricky. One must plan for the eventuality that someone you didn�t invite will find your site and read it. One must also avoid the nasty habit of revealing things on the internet instead of looking someone in the face and dealing with the results of your revelations. Usually diaries are where you unburden yourself- indulge your self pity, take out your frustrations.
I would like to be so transparent in the living of my life that there isn�t anything I could say online that would come as a surprise to anyone.. Of course, I�m not. I wonder if I should be, really. It would be like granting everyone the ability to read my mind. Is there a difference between that and honesty?
I have been skirting the issue lately. No entries, no discussion of the burrs that are stuck to my psyche.
Yesterday at work I was talking about how I was going to go about finishing my teaching degree. A coworker mentioned that she wouldn�t want me teaching any of her kids.. She didn�t say it like, �Hahaha�, she said it like she was ordering lunch � �One teacher please, but no Amy.�
That hurt.
My brain knows that she is not in a position to judge my teaching ability, knowing nothing about me interactions with children, my teaching philosophy, and without being knowledgeable about teaching/children herself. Somehow it doesn�t matter much. My brain also knows I have received many encouraging comments from people who are knowledgeable about, such things.. Still doesn�t help.
I�m a little blue anyway right now. I feel almost overwhelmed by the oncoming holidays. Christmas is a big fucking train and my gd shoe is stuck in the tracks.