10:27 am - Monday, Jul. 01, 2002
A Brief Confessional and A Letter By Boy
I am waking up. I am drinking coffee and exploring my identities online. I actually had some e-mails and stuff...that's always nice.

Last night I got my sister's screename on AIM, and she was on, and we talked. This was nice. We don't really know who each other are yet, because we haven't lived together much. Also, I was a shmuck and didn't try to write or call or anything for years. I guess I had to grow up a little.

When she was a baby I was 12- prime age for girls to be around babies. I would hold her for hours. I'd walk her around when she cried. I'd bounce on the jogging trampoline with her on my shoulder, and she'd do this little fake cry thing...and I'd match her pitch, and she'd do it again- baby games are simple like that.

She got to be three and it was a whole different ball of wax. I remember she went into my bedroom and got out a teddybear that my grandma had given me. It was rather special to me... I had filed it under "things not to be played with". I told her she could play with it, but I wanted her to ask me first. She said "Fine, I don't want to play with it anyway." Do you know any three year olds? I was ignorant at the time, but it was an amazing feat for her to even understand what I was asking, much less reply the way she did.

When Boy was born I moved in with my Dad and TNSESM. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was hoping that this would be a time for me to become part of my Dad's family. We all tried- I know that now, but we really didn't pull it off and it hurt. The Who that I am does not belong in that family. I can't change my Who. I was sad and angry and frustrated because I couldn't change who I was, I didn't want to change who I was, and dog-gone-it I shouldn't have to! While I'm having these feelings, my little sis is growing up just like they want. The Who that she is fits in just fine. I was so jealous that she could be loved like that so freely... she didn't have to betray who she was. She didn't have to give up anything. She was fine the way she was.

What did I do about this? Why, I was a total bitch, of course. I regret it now, but that's the truth. I was little. I didn't know squat about kids. Now, I'm not saying I put Drano in her milk or anything, I just oozed unfriendliness. There was nothing she did that pleased me. (My grandmother and grandfather taught me how to be that kind of mean....but that's another story.) I did my unconscious best to make sure she felt every bit as loved as I did.

So then I moved out. And I grew up a little. And I felt ashamed. And in the grand tradition of my family I just avoided all unpleasantness by not talking to her. At all. For years. I finally got up the gumption to apologise to her mother... if not directly to her yet. I realized it was a shame to not know my own kin. I've started trying to get to know her, and she's damn cool.

And I find out she blogs... she showed me hers...I hedged on showing her mine... I guess the fact that I'm writing this means I'm probably not going to share. I had already decided that I'd tell AuntieM and my friends and that was it. If I tell her, well, she'd read it. And she'd have a better idea of who I am. And the folks don't like who I am. So I somehow feel like they wouldn't want her to read it, like I'd be polluting her somehow. How sick is that.

Ok, on a more cheerful note...here's a letter Boy wrote to his Grandma...

Hey there Grandma!

Whatcha been up to? Anything exciting?

Every morning last week I went to swimming lessons. On the last day I had to go in the deep end. I can do my dog paddles. I can swim freestyle too. And I can swim underwater.

I used to have soccer lessons. But I missed out on most of them. The ones I didn't miss were fun. I learned my pass, where I kick with the side of my foot. I learned my shots, where I kick with my laces.

I finished first grade. I'm on my summer break. There's this kid named (Littlethegreat) , he's four years old. I'm not such a fan of him, but I'm still nice to him. He comes over every morning and every evening.

There's another kid named ****. She's really nice. Not annoying like (Littlethegreat) . She seems really mature for her age. She seems like a seven-year-old even though she's not. I like playing with her.

We have two puppy dogs. A big one and a little one. The big one's named Mabel. The little one's named Lucy. Lucy's about the size of my mom's hand. Mabel is the same size as Piper was. They chew on everything. That's why I have to keep my toys up. And they pee on the floor. Sometimes we catch them before it's too late, sometimes we don't. (Littlethegreat) uses them like stuffed animals, 'cause they're that size.

I do not like (Littlethegreat) he is an anoying little brat.

We went to (AuntieM's) two weeks ago. ***** and *** (her sons) weren't there, but it was still fun. I learned how to get along with Gypsy (her Husky dog) too. She used to be scratching me on the back and tearing holes in my shirt. But whenever she gets too close to me or puts her paws on my chest I tell her "Down" and she quits it. Two times we went fishing. One time we didn't catch any fish. The other time we both caught three fish. (AuntieM) caught a big one and two little ones. They weren't that little, they were the size of keepers. I caught three little ones. When we got back (J) peeled the scales off the fish and we ate it. It was good. One of the fish I caught was a Blue Gill. (AuntieM) thought it was a sun fish at first, but she was wrong.

Me and my mom went on a boat ride and we didn't fish at all though. She just wanted to see the animals. I steered most of the way, but my mom steered us back. When we got out in the deep enough part, I jumped out of the boat with my life-jacket on. I floated away but my mom got me. It was scary, but cool. And I built a little lego city.

I guess I'll write you another letter later, but for now goodbye, and I hope you're feeling well,

(Boy)

(mostly dictated to mom by Boy, but some parts typed by Boy. All stuff in ()s by mom...)