5:53 pm - Friday, May. 09, 2003
hi
I am living a very small life right now. I used to live a much bigger life, with lots of things in it and lots of people to talk to and I don't know what all. Now I sleep. If I'm awake I try to cram in all the things that I should be doing, my duties, my half of the load. But I can't ever catch up, can I, and Simon ends up with more than half of it, doesn't he. Guilt. Lots of guilt.

And the other things I used to do just for the fun of it simply do not happen. Reading, writing here, writing friends, seeing friends, making things... There isn't enough space or energy for the things that need to happen.

I can't stand this. I hate it. I have this desperate hope that this Doctor in California has a cure, but deep down I don't really believe it. How long can someone watch their life trickle down the piss hole? It seems like I must be going through a punishment of some kind. But it's not like it matters how much suffering this creates, because even if it seems like surely we've gone through enough NOW, or like you can't stand another second of feeling like this, it just doesn't stop. Enough bitching. Go live your life! Get outside, it's spring already! Shoo!