1:19 p.m. - 2002-06-22
Bad jokes. Very, very bad jokes.
These are my favorite bad jokes. I collect them like normal people collect snow-globes or elvis spoons. Feel free to suggest additions, although you should know there are tough criteria that must be met before a joke makes it on here. Also, I don't list credits next to jokes because, who does that? It is rare for the person who tells a joke to have made it up. No one tells a joke and lists a bibliography. If you don't want to share, don't.

How do you run a Unitarian out of town? Burn a question mark on their lawn.

Knock Knock,
Who's there,
Who
Who Who?
Can't you say Vagina?

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

What is the difference between broccoli and boogies? Kids won't eat broccoli.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it.

What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.

What's red and not there? No tomatoes.

Ok, there were 2 sausages frying in a pan. One of them says "Boy, it's getting hot in here," to which the other replied "Wow! A talking sausage!"

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
Why does Batman drive the batmobile? Because it's his car.

What's the difference between a grape and a chicken? They're both purple, except for the chicken.

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

What is black, white, and a zebra? A zebra.

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs? Why bother? He can't come to you anyway.

What is the difference between an anal thermometer and one you put in your mouth? The taste.

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white? A penguin rolling down a hill.
What's black and white and laughs? The penguin at the top who pushed him.

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

A high school girl runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy jumped into a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.

Why did the hubcap fall asleep? Because it was tired.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? Quack!

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

What do you call a person with leprosy in a bath tub? Stew.

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

Why did Piglet look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? Decomposes.

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.

A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the udder.

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.

What looks like Blu-Tak, feels like Blu-Tak, tastes like Blu-Tak, but isn't Blu-Tak? Smurf poo.

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Somebody who lays awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car in it man.

Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.

Why does the name"Edward Woodward" have 4 'd's? 'Cos otherwise his name would be Ewar Woowar.

What do you get when you cross a humming bird with a doorbell? A humdinger.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Half way.

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? The color.

What do you call an American in the finals of the world cup? "Hey Beer Man!"

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book? Because they all have phones.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What's the difference between a MacIntosh and an Etch-A-Sketch? You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene

What is the difference between an orange? A monkey. Simply because a vest doesn't have any sleeves.

You know what the problem with a lot of people is? Overpopulation.

In the British House of Lords two high dignitaries met in a corridor. "My friend, I'm so sorry to hear you've buried your dear wife." "I had to, you know. She was dead." [from T�l� Loisirs]

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

How do you get holy water? Boil the heck out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

Scientists think that equations approximate the real world. Engineers think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

What do you get when you cross LSD and the Pill? A trip without the kids.

Whats the diffrence between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.? A bad golfer goes WACK... Darn!
A bad skydiver goes Darn!... WACK

How do amoebas talk to each other? With cell phones.

What kind of cheese does not belong to you? Nacho cheese.

What is green and dangerous? A thundering herd of pickles.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
What are you so excited about?

How do you make a milk shake? Sneak up behind it and say Boo.

How do you find fish in the encyclopedia? Look under water.

What do fish play on the piano? Scales.

What's the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.

What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.

Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? DAM!

Why did the fish fall off the bike? He was a fish.

Where do you find rabbits? Depends on where they were lost.

Why didn't Joe put an ad in the paper when he lost his rabbit? Joe's rabbit can't read.

How long should a rabbit's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground.

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.

How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises.

What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit? A chilly dog on a bun.

How is a rabbit like a q-tip? They both have cotton tails.

What is a baby rabbit after it's four days old? Five days old.

What would you get if you threw a white rabbit in the Red sea? A wet rabbit.

What kind of rabbit can jump higher than a house? Any kind- houses can't jump.

What's the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit quarter? One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.

Why is a rabbit like a dime? Because it has a head on one end and a tail on the other.

Why do rabbits have shiny noses? Because the powder puff is on the wrong end.

How many rabbits can you put in an empty cage? One- after that it's not empty.

What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee? A honey bunny.

With an insect? Bugs bunny.

What do you call a rabbit comedian? A funny bunny.

How many dumb bunnies does it take to change a lightbulb? Three- One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

What do rabbits have that no other animal has? Baby rabbits.

Where was the rabbit when the light went out? In the dark.

Why are most animals bad dancers? Because they have two left feet.

Where do books sleep? Under their covers.

Why do ballerinas wear tu-tus? Because one-ones are too small and three-threes are too big.