2:47 pm - Sunday, Jul. 16, 2006
Hindsight
I don't think hindsight is always 20-20. Right now I'm looking back at decisions I've made and am having trouble seeing whether I should have decided differently.
Mostly, it's like this: I think that once you hit college you aim for a lifestyle that makes you happy (say, becoming an Artist), or you aim for one that will make you money (say, oh, anything that requires a degree) . I look back and I see the points in my life where I could have made decisions that led to either scenario. Somehow I've missed both though, and I'm disheartened. I can't see my way clear to me making a lot of money, although I am convinced I'm more than capable. I also can't see the path to career-type happiness (becoming a teacher) from here; again, I know I could have been there if I played my cards differently.
Am I a waste?
I can't imagine me making different decisions, I do not regret having Boy, or Peanut either. That said, I don't feel like I've realized much of my potential at all.
Simon and Loon are very very encouraging. Simon says we'll figure out a way to make me a teacher. Loon says that I'm not old- I've got plenty of time to do what I want to do.
I still feel left behind. Simon has a career. Loon is on her third. I've got plenty of other friends I went to college with who hit one mark or the other.
I guess, though, that two kids should count for something. If you met Boy you'd agree. He's a marvel, and though I insist it's mostly his doing, at least I didn't do too much to hamper his development into one of the awesomest kids on the planet. And Peanut breaks my heart sometimes, just to look at her and think how close we came to losing her, and I can't imagine what it would take for me to put her in daycare. Seriously.
So I guess you could say I'm busy doing something very worthwhile, and it's a diversion, but it doesn't mean I won't get back on track later.
Or to put it another way, I'm not a waste, I'm a Mom.